


Limitless

by winterwatercolour



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky can Sing, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Late Night Chats, M/M, Steve helps, bucky's brain isnt doing too well, tw mentions of anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 05:22:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9804320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterwatercolour/pseuds/winterwatercolour
Summary: Bucky Barnes who was essential; invisible to eye but clear to the heart. Bucky Barnes who made him feel like the sun came to shine into his life. That was the Bucky Barnes he was in love with. And they were silent; but he had never felt so close to him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rather old piece i wrote last year but i'm sharing anyway! If i've made some errors, grammatical, factual or in terms of how i wrote Bucky's mental health issues please do correct me so I don't make them again! I did try my best, and english isn't my first so there is bound to be mistakes! Anyway, i do hope you enjoy the read!

Bucky's room is significantly much more visually appealing to Steve's own room. Bucky had a room that looked like a room you'd find on an interior design magazine or website which was perfect for Bucky. Steve knew that Bucky's head (while having recovered quite a bit) sometimes still went..elsewhere and the best for Bucky was to have at least a clean and organised environment to keep him relaxed.

Bucky's favourite part of his room was the little section up by the ceiling of his room, which was like a giant bunk that he had to climb to get to. It was lined with a soft mattress and adorned with pillows and he had a notebook there to release the thoughts that he had left lingering there for such a long time. There was a round window by the top of it that had the best view of the stars and boy, did Bucky love the stars.

Steve would walk into Bucky's bedroom sometimes, to check on him, because he always felt better sleeping at night when he knew that Bucky was alright and he'd catch him gazing at the stars and doing nothing else. Occasionally Pink Floyd or Pearl Jam would play softly in the background, but Bucky's eyes were lost, but not in a sense that Bucky was losing himself into some place dark but in a sense that Bucky was losing himself to this beauty, and it took him some place far away from the darkness.

So one night Steve caught him doing this yet again, and when Steve was satisfied with what he saw, he turned to leave with no intentions of really going to bed. However this time, he was stopped by the sound of Bucky's soft, husky voice calling him over, "Steve?"

Steve stopped in his tracks, body freezing instinctively. He whipped around, a little too clumsily and noisily for his own liking but he didn't have the chance to think about it when he saw Bucky again. And boy, was he beautiful.

There he was; Bucky Barnes with his beautiful blue eyes that shone just like the stars he loved and seemed to be piercing into you but without the pain, only softness. The gaze of the man before him made his chest feel cold and tingly but not in a anxiety type of way but rather an enthralling, hypnotising way.

It was Bucky Barnes with his soft, wonderful smile that gave him feelings of nostalgia and warmth in his heart. Bucky Barnes with the smile that made him feel the kind of happy you wish would never go away.

"Yeah?" Steve managed, too enthralled by the sight of him. His voice sounded far too shaky for his liking.

"Come and stay with me?" Bucky asked quietly, keeping his voice soft and whispery even if there really wasn't any reason to. Steve's heart skipped a beat at the sound of his chilly voice.

Steve didn't argue, he walked in Bucky's direction and deftly climbed the ladder up to the bunk and crawled over to Bucky, and Bucky backed away to give him space. As he kept crawling to find a spot he felt a sudden surge of electricity through his hand but it felt so good. He looked down to see he was holding Bucky's hand.

He looked up to meet Bucky's warm gaze, and he couldn't quite tell the emotion in Bucky's eyes. But he knew one thing; and that was that he was in love with Bucky Barnes.

He was in love with "That Barnes Kid"; the oldest Barnes; the one that ran like the wind but always got A's with little golden stars next to it on his tests. Jimmy Barnes with the pretty blue eyes who smiled this face-splitting grin as he rode on his bike, delivering newspapers. James Barnes who spent his night watching the stars, pen in hand, hunched over a notebook.

But this was also Bucky Barnes who saved his ass from being beat up to death; who stuck with him despite everyone telling him he could do better than That Rogers Kid; Bucky Barnes who was _his_ Bucky Barnes.

This was who he was in love with; perfect student and athlete Bucky Barnes and also crying in the art room Bucky Barnes because he had lost his mother when he was 7. Bucky Barnes who refused to cry when his dad died in front of his siblings because he had to protect them but in the night when it was just him and Stevie, he was so close to breaking.

Bucky Barnes who was essential; invisible to eye but clear to the heart. Bucky Barnes who made him feel like the sun came to shine into his life. That was the Bucky Barnes he was in love with. And they were silent; but he had never felt so close to him.

That was the wonderful thing about the relationship he and Bucky had; it was that there was no such thing as an awkward silence. There were so many silences in the time they spent with each other but every time that finished and they left to call it a day, they both felt as if they've bonded even more.

So there they were, gazing at the stars that were above them and there was silence, until Bucky's soothing, chilly voice filled the void,

"Steve..its not necessarily..a bad thing to be lost, right?"

There was a note of uncertainty and anxiety in his voice that alarmed Steve.

"No, I don't think so."

"..Steve..I'm lost. I don't understand why I'm still here, even with the things I'm done. I didn't know who I was and I didn't understand what humanity is and I just don't understand the world, Steve." Bucky explained cautiously, speaking slowly and choosing each world carefully. Fear clouded Bucky's eyes.

"Bucky..what's wrong?" Steve asked instinctively, having trained himself to see past Bucky's act and knowing when something was wrong. He would never know what went on in Bucky's mind but he sure as hell would make sure he wouldn't go through it alone.

"Steve. I remember." There was relief in Bucky's voice but it didn't last long before Bucky's voice caught and it cracked. Tears were welling up in his eyes but he tried his hardest to stop the tears from coming and he attempted to control his erratic breathing. And he let lose.

"Steve I remember what I did. I can see their faces. I can see the pain I caused and the evil I started; Steve I can't comprehend what I did. I can see the blood and I can hear the screams and I can still feel..feeling _nothing_. Steve, I'm a monster. And I'm lost because I don't understand how the world can take in someone like me. I can't see how some people can forgive me because I can't even forgive myself. I can't see myself beginning again, Steve, I can't do this."

Bucky sobbed, but the tears were still struggling to release. He was speaking far too fast but somehow Steve still understood every word he blabbed out. Bucky's body shook with panic and his eyes were beginning to loose themselves into the darkness. Bucky wasn't breathing properly which concerned Steve even more.

"Bucky it wasn't--" Steve tried but it was barely a split second when Bucky shot back.

"Wasn't my fault my ass, Steve! It was my hands that pulled the trigger or pierced those flesh, it was me who was there in those people's last moments. Don't even try to defend me; Rogers! I'm don't even know why you haven't given up on me, Steve you should have let me die! You should have killed me!"

Bucky had completely lost a normal cycle of breathing by that point because he needed Steve to get them both to sit up. Steve brought Bucky close to him, wrapping his arms around Bucky and rubbing his back but making sure that he Bucky could still move freely so he wouldn't be restrained. "It would have been more the best," Bucky sobbed.

"Bucky..calm down..its okay..you didn't know what you were doing.." Steve cooed, planting a kiss into Bucky's hair. Steve stroked Bucky's hair as he whispered for him to breathe in and out, until Bucky's breathing gave him enough air to catch his breath. Steve pressed him closer to try and warm him up to stop all the shaking.

"I feel sick looking at myself in the mirror Steve, sometimes I can't help but try to feel how my knife felt against someone else's skin.." Bucky said quietly, knowing all too well that Steve wouldn't be happy with what he just said. And he was right.

"Bucky! Bucky don't do that! You are more than a broken shell of a man, you are not the winter soldier. You are Bucky Barnes and you're my best friend. Bucky you were being controlled. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes and you are not a monster. You were being possessed by Alexander Pierce, his actions are not yours. You are not perfect but you are not a monster." Steve said firmly, confident as he spoke and no doubt laced upon his words. Steve didn't care anymore and he took Bucky's hand and held it in his own, nothing in the world could have persuaded him to let go.

"Steve..Steve it hurts..I can't look at myself.." Bucky whispered.

"So if you really do remember a lot of it.. You'll know that Bucky Barnes was the Bucky Barnes who protected me with his life. You'll know that Bucky Barnes loved the world even when it had destroyed him so much. You'll know that he would never do the things that Pierce wanted. And you are still Bucky Barnes; and yes you are not the same but you are not just a weapon. You are not the Winter Soldier. You are Bucky Barnes and you are a good person." Steve said softly, fully hugging Bucky at this point, feeling his face go red as he felt Bucky's cold nose nuzzling his chest.

"Mm," Bucky mumbled in response, unexpectedly pushing himself backwards into the mountains of blankets, still wrapped around Steve so that they were lying down, cuddled up and it seems that he was trying to merge himself and Steve into one person. Steve pulled away from Bucky but pressed his forehead against Bucky's, still holding his slightly shaky hand.

"You used to lose yourself in music when you had panic attacks, Buck," Steve offered slowly, making sure he didn't have a commanding tone in his voice so that Bucky knew he was free to choose whatever he wanted.

Bucky laughed a little, "I bet I made your ears bleed."

Steve disagreed strongly but it made him relieved that Bucky's sense of humour was returning, "No. No you didn't; in fact..you had the voice of an angel."

Bucky raised his eyebrow, "Seriously, Rogers?"

Steve chuckled and sat up, Bucky following suit. He leaned against the wall and looked at him, "You have the voice of the singing birds in the early days of spring, frosty and chilly but warm at the same time." Bucky didn't argue for once and averted his gaze to the floor.

Steve almost started to panic until Bucky opened his mouth and Steve felt himself melt into his surroundings when he heard that beautiful voice he loved so much. And he was lost.

__

_"Are you sick of all this change?_

_In a century that keeps feet so firmly off the ground,_

_You can't stand this place._

_Well I'm with you til' the end, so let us both go to outer space with nothing but pens for what we'll say_

_when we come back._

_Sleepy thoughts seeing us as astronauts,_

_in your passenger seat I feel limitless._

_Success in the end oh it all depends on wether you're still_

_my oldest friend._

_On the days you're suffering, then the world is on my shoulders too_

_and if you ever died, I'd question going on without you._

_Would I make it til' the end? Would I bother going to outer space with_

_nothing but a broken mind to keep me safe._

_Would I come back?_

_Sleepy thoughts seeing us as astronauts,_

_in your passengers seat I feel limitless._

_Success in the end oh it all depends on wether you're still_

_on wether you're still_

_on wether you're still..._

_Sleepy thoughts seeing us as astronauts_

_In your passengers seat I feel limitless_

_success in the end oh it all depends on wether you're still_

_my oldest friend."_

Bucky sang softly, his voice fading out by the end. Bucky was so beautiful and so talented and Steve didn't understand how Bucky could see any different. Steve looked across and felt the most love he had ever felt for him. Bucky was a piece of art; maybe some didn't understand him but Steve did. He understood all his colours and strokes. Bucky's voice was what he would describe as the definition of music.

When Bucky found himself again after losing himself to the music he did what Steve did and looked across to meet his gaze with Steve. And they connected just like they used to; their souls connecting and their hearts in the right place.

There was something in Bucky's eyes and Steve didn't understand what it was but it was warm and his eyes shone like the stars.

"I feel limitless," Bucky whispered, his voice chilly like a breeze that it almost made Steve shudder.

Just like that Steve became blind. His eyes could no longer see and they clouded with something strange but his heart could finally see and he could see so clear He saw with his heart and when he finally did he couldn't help but cup Bucky's face with his hands and brought him close to him. 

_They had never been so close._

_And they could be closer._

So Steve leaned in and kissed Bucky on the lips softly. It was so blessedly soft that their lips didn't crash and he didn't feel a sudden jolt of electricity but it felt so right and Steve had figured out what he was missing all along. 

But he was more than 'just Bucky Barnes'. This was Bucky Barnes who tasted of birthday cake and snowflakes. Bucky Barnes who's frosty breath he could feel on his mouth but the kiss thawed that out so quickly that he could barely feel it. Bucky Barnes who wasn't a miracle, but a human. A human perfect in all his imperfect ways. Bucky Barnes who was _his_ Bucky Barnes. 

He was kissing him beneath the starlit sky, and even if they were upon the sight of many he would not care because none of it mattered. Nothing else mattered now because it was all alright. 

When he pulled away he was already missing him but at least then he could see Bucky's beautiful blue eyes and he could finally say, "you are so beautiful." 

"I love you," Bucky said simply in return and they were just three words and Steve felt complete upon hearing just three words over the billions he had heard in his life time. 

"I love you too," Steve said shakily, suddenly wanting to cry. He felt so accomplished and it overwhelmed him and Bucky knew because he was Bucky and he knew Steve more than anyone else ever had. So Bucky pulled him in and kissed him again and all else faded from existence until there was nothing because to each other they were everything. 

When they let go they lay down again and watched the stars in silence again but this time they held each other and they were so sure for once. Soon enough Bucky closed his eyes and drifted off elsewhere and Bucky didn't see faces and blood as he slept but rather he saw light and he saw them in different worlds but they still loved each other. 

Steve hugged him as he slept, unable to let go, and he was so happy that for once Bucky could sleep in peace and he wouldn't wake up screaming and crying. So Steve closed his eyes too without fear because Bucky would be there throughout the night and when he woke and he was at peace because they were together. 

And they would be for a long time. 

**Author's Note:**

> The song Bucky sings is "Astronauts" by the artist Bry! I've met him in real life and he is such a lovely guy :) Do check him out! This is just a stupidly sappy fic in which i just wanted to write two dears in love! Thanks for your time :)


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